Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Life.

This is my life lately
my emotions are on high.
And I feel like all my fears are all caving in on me slowly.
I have so many emotions i can't even think straight.
Sometimes I think of every little bad thing thats ever happened to me
I think of all the pain I felt and then it
hits me like a ton of bricks
Forcing me to break down.
Its just too much to handle sometimes.
But the good thing is i get over it for the moment.
Breathe and Live in the present moment.
Im good at being happy.
I don't have to pretend anymore.
Because believe me pretending takes practice.
I just can't stand being down in front of other people.
Smiling takes the pain away.
Smile like you mean it.
And i can't help but care about people.
People that i love.
And it hurts me inside...i swear it almost kills me to watch them make mistakes
I watch back and wish i could just stop it all.
I know that its impossible.
I don't judge anyone.
I refuse because of everything i seen and everything I've been through.
Im not ashamed to say that I'm a church going girl because I am a huge believer in heaven, god, my virtue and everything else that is so rare to find.
I am a sinner and thats why i pray and thats why i look to something with higher power
Because i know i could never do this alone.
everything I've ever done in my life god has always been there.
carried me through my tears and my sorrows
this smile on my face is one god gave me.
comfort knowing that he loves me.
and i just want to say that i have this friend
i've know for about a month now.
Its weird how close we've become now.
were like best friends.
I feel like I'm inseparable from him
I always need to be around him.
I just want to help him
I just want to be his friend
and i can't help but love him though.....
I love his smile
I just love him.
And its gonna be the death of me.
Ive tried to push out all of those feelings because i've been so rejected and hurt by others
that i've just decided its best to go with it.
Not think to much about it.
But still every night i drive home from being with him.
I cry.
Because i care so much about him it kills me to know he drank for the very first time
and it was the best day of his life.
It breaks me inside....
I know what it does to people.
I know what it did to my dad.
I know what it does if your underage.
But most of all it hurts to know he couldn't confide in me at first.
I just want to know why.....
why people do the things they do.
i just want him to know i've got his back.
Because I'm not gonna judge him.
And i told him that.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

We Are Free Because of the Brave

Follow me on ASOS Fashion Finder

I'd Appreciate It So Much!!! Thanks! (:

We Are Free Because Of The Brave.


Hola! This is one of my inspirational shoots for the Forth of July! And I will be Selling these Shoes on Asos Marketplace soon! (details below!)



With my Black Bunny "Cleveland Brown"

OUTFIT 

Vintage Little Black Dress 

Vintage Gold Jewelry with faux pearls, basically costume jewelry

Vintage 1980's Black Velvet Pumps with Gold Glitter Rose Details

  














Combat Beatles

Combat Beatles:

Hello Again! This is one of my most recent outfits that I styled!

I made these shorts out of gold glitter
and window paint!
thats all they had at the craft store and i was poor at the time and it was cheap haha!
Hope you like them! 




I love feathers so free spirited and native
 


Outfit: 

DIY'd Shorts

Black Beatles Shirt I got for my Birthday

Black Steve Madden Combat Boots

Bill Blass Vintage Glasses





Details on the Back pocket


Me taking a really weird pose...
 










Saturday, June 2, 2012

All be Fine

Soo i guess I'm okay
Even when your not talking to me
What else can i do?
I cannot sit there and waste my time dwelling on every second
that i don't say your name
I guess i still care about the things that happen in your life.
Its just I thought we were in this together
I thought we were like best friends?
because your my best friend
and my favorite in all the history of like ever...
and its hard to understand why we don't talk anymore
it was like a sudden wind and then it left.
and now i feel nothing
its so empty in here.
I understand that i hurt your feelings
I understand that i cannot take that back
So if you don't want to be in this deal that we have
then tell me so.
Tell me how much you really hate me
Because right now i'd rather have you hate me then not talk to me
for no apparent reason.
Tell me that there is someone else
Hurt me too.
Go ahead I deserve it.
Just tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
Because I'm not breaking my promise
to always be there for you
when you need a friend
because i don't lie and i don't cheat
and i despise those who do.
i never meant to hurt you
and its going to take awhile to like myself again.
i understand if you don't want to see me ever again
but we live in a small world
so brace for the worst
and pray that i look ugly
so you can laugh
because i've already laughed at you.
believe me
i hate to say it but it made me feel better
to laugh about how awkward you were talking to my best friend
i know that you didn't want to say hi to me
i get it..and honestly
I see how it is.
and i can't help but be a little mad
but when it all boils down to it..
i'll forgive you in a heartbeat and
then all go back to wanting to know how you've been
I can't help how i feel and i can't help but love people that come in to my life
 i care a lot.
and i trust a lot
so therefore i always get hurt but it doesn't matter
i brush it off and go on with my work
and then when I'm alone
i guess you know what happens
i just cry
sometimes i cry for hours
and sometimes i cry myself to sleep
sometimes i scream uncontrollably and as loud as i can when I'm alone
sometimes i throw stuff
sometimes i just lay there silent.
i hope that nobody ever sees
the way i let everything out
i believe in emotion.
and i right now i still miss you even though i don't want to because it still just
stings right in the heart.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm so Stupid. the end.

Oh i hate myself
and It just gets worse everyday...
Everyday i don't talk to you and ask you how you've been...
ohhhh and it hurts.
I remember when we'd spend hours on hours talking to each other
My mom would have to wake up at 1:30 and tell me to go to bed.
but i would giggle and stay on another hour longer just to hear your voice.
and you'd demand i go to bed but secretly you wanted me to talk longer too.
I was so happy inside
but my heart was unsure.
and Now...
I get this feeling that you don't want to talk to me anymore
I broke your heart
and I'm still so sorry
Everyday i feel worse and worse about the whole thing.
I never got to see your face
And I'm so sorry for ever making you shed a tear
I never meant to hurt you but i did and I just want to die.
You said i was the best girlfriend you ever had
but I'm sure thats in the past now.
Summers all in bloom
and we were supposed to hang out..but i guess not anymore...
and its killing me
Im so stupid
Im such an idiot..
because i threw away such a beautiful thing
You don't Facebook like you used too...
You don't say little thing to me anymore
You don't call anymore
and its all my fault
What should i have expected when i had a late night confession
and told you everything i was feeling?
Because you understand..but i can't expect you to understand everything.
Im such an idiot for letting people get in the way of my decisions
I should have done what i wanted for me
take that gift from you...
but deep down it was all wrong.
and its worse to know that they were right.
and i hate this feeling...i want it to go away because
I'm afraid you've found somebody else
it always stings when they move on faster than you do.
and what sucks is that i haven't even thought about moving on..
I don't even look at anyone else
and i easily could but i don't see anybody else but you.
because all I'm thinking about day and night
is to being with my best friend....
My best friend who is so funny
and has the best laugh that i miss so much
Who spends hours on hours playing Legend of Zelda
Who is so sweet and caring
And it makes it worse when I'm driving and i look at the passenger seat
where you use to sit and talk to me
I remember how we used to kiss and how that one time
I leaned in for a kiss but you told me to hug you first...
and when you were half way out of my car i grabbed your hand
wanting you to stay and you kissed me again...
and i slam my head on my steering wheel because i know its never going to be like that again.
but...
I deserve to feel this pain because its my fault
Oh..and the worse thing is that i don't even know what I want.
I let you go because i wasn't ready
I let you go because my heart wasn't in to it
Ohh everything is so ruined..
I thought things were fine but they are not.
Nothing is fine
Nothing is okay
Nothings ever okay.
But I won't ever let it show
I always have this crazy idea
Too tell you how much i love you
How much i need you now
How much Im sorry...
so so so sorry
but its not enough...because its too late now
I don't think theres time to fix what i destroyed.
I wanted too wait and see
Try things a little differently but I've lost that chance
So i guess all go cry now because i have nothing else to do.
Except try and get over it
But lets face it..its not going to hurt any less.
because I'm ugly inside
Im broken inside.
lets face it i've been broken since i was eight years old.
when my parents divorced
Its pathetic that i can't even keep a boyfriend for a month.
I've always wondered if its because of what i've been through
I have a hard time believing two people can be together
because i've seen love die way to many times
i'm so used to people leaving
and maybe its because I'm like my dad
Im afraid to fall in love.
I'm afraid to open up...
after the first guy..I shut up inside
but then you came along and i tried to open up to you
but it wasn't working
and i prayed everyday asking god to help me make it through..
asking if it was right to be with you
but he said no...
so thats why i had to leave.
and i thought it would be easy but really?
nothings ever easy.
I don't know why it hurts to see you leave
maybe because your slipping away slowly
not fast like all the others.
all the times that i've cried..
they are going to become many
because the smile on my face is real
until I'm alone. then i cry.
because I'm so stupid
and i hate myself.
because I'm losing you and i don't have any control
I have nothing to say.
because what i say will be crazy.
i don't have the guts to tell you that.
because its not what i should be saying
so I'm going to hold on to it and wait for you to come back
if you don't and everything we promised too do doesn't work out then all know its okay to let you go.
but I'm going to wait because i still think the world of you
Your the one i can be myself around
and ohh gosh please don't stop being my friend....
please..
because thinking about not talking to you hurts too much.
I need to talk to you.
because then i remember the pain of the last and how he left and never said goodbye.
i don't want you to be a painful reminder.
and i understand if your trying to get over me
i shouldn't expect you to wait around...
but just know i still want you in my life
and i miss you sooooooo much
so much i don't know how I'm functioning
because every spare moment i have i think of you
and the feeling is leaving me feeling so guilty
and it makes me sick.
and i hate myself a little more.
just thought you ought to know.
that i really cared about you and it was hard to let you go.
but i had too.
we weren't meant to be but i loved every second i was with you
and don't you ever forget.
don't worry about me I'm fine
just talk to me once an while okay?
because i couldn't bear to lose my best friend.
.......thanks
the end.